Wedding Resources - Friend's Wedding?

Friend's Wedding?

My friend is getting married and I was not asked to be in the wedding party. We have known each other for years and are close but both have our own lives. Personally, I was glad not to be asked weddings cost a lot of money, and are very time consuming. But now my friend keeps asking me to help her with the details. I was the one who helped her picke out her wedding and brides maid dresses and I was happy to help. Except now she keeps calling me to help her. I do not have time to help with the party favors and decorations, she does have a wedding party but they are very unhelpful. The thing that has me upset is that her maid of honor called me and asked if I could have the bridal shower for her. If I dont host it apparently she will not have one. I am not in the wedding so why should I spend MY money to host a bridal shower? What is wrong with this picture. Also I do not feel that this marriage will last. I want to express my feelings to my friend but I do not want her to get mad at me. They have only known each other 7 months. Is there a way to tell her how I fear without upsetting her. If the marriage does fail and I say nothing I would feel horrible. Please help Both their parents are not happy about the wedding. They will attend to support their children but have said they will not help pay for it or plan it. The maid of honor expects me to pay for the bridal shower. I feel she is doing this just to save her self money

Public Comments

that's not right. if you want to be helpful, i suppose you could say that you'd host the shower but *they* are paying for it. she has bridesmaids AND mothers who should be helping with that. if you absolutely don't want to do it, then just be polite about it and tell them that you have other things to attend to and are too busy to host, but if there's anything small you can help out with, then help.
no hun, I'm sorry... you're getting used. Tell her that you are friends and everything, but that the maid of honor she picked needs to be the one that's hosting the bridal shower. You're not even in the wedding! You are NOT obligated to help her. She seems a little selfish to me.
It sounds like you're very reliable and your friend knows this. That's a good thing. I do think the MOH crossed the line by asking you to host the shower. If you don't want to, just say no. You'll be glad you did.
My dear Jenny, I feel your pain. You are being asked to take on the chores and responsibilities of a maid of honor, without being given the honor. Yet, you are a true friend, and want your friend to have all the best things in life, and in her wedding. You should not spend one cent of your money on a bridal shower. You can tell the MOH that you would be happy to host the bridal shower, and tell her that you do not have any funds. Ask if she is willing to finance this bash,, and if she cannot, then you will have to do this without spending a dime. Ask the MOH for a guest list, including phone numbers and email addresses. You send out an email invitation with an attachment through mapquest of a map to your house, and ask your guests to RSVP. You make this a pot luck and indicate for those working women who don't have the interest or energy to cook, that you will need one person to bring paper plates, plasticware, etc., and one or two volunteers to help with clean up. There is usually plenty of food at a pot luck, so if a few people contribute to the other chores, there should still be enough food. And, women are always dieting anyways. You can make a bridal shower without spending any money. It will be what the guests make it. Good luck, my dear. Your friend sounds a little messed up.
Well, not to be harsh, but give her the big heave-ho, no thanks, etc. I completely understand wanting to be a good friend, but being taken advantage of is not cool. If these trusted people that the bride picked for her wedding party don't have the decency to stand up to their duty, then that is her problem, not yours.
You are not wrong for not wanting to continue to help out on the wedding. When you pick your bridal party you pick them not only to be in the wedding, but to also help out when you need it. Unfortunately your friend didn't pick very reliable people to be in her wedding. You should have a heart to heart with your friend and her bridesmaids to let all of them know that you are withdrawing your services. You are under no obligation as her Friend to help out with her wedding. Hopefully your friend will understand and appreciate your honesty and not hold a grudge. As for her marriage not working out. Simply because they have only know each other 7 months doesn't mean it won't work out. You should encourage her union and be supportive. Negative thoughts bring about negative actions. Meaning if you think negatively about her union, you will display negative actions towards it as well. It can cause her to choose between you and her husband which will cause conflict in her marriage. If all you have to go on is the fact that they have only known each other 7 months, then keep your mouth shut. If it is fact based, then let your friend know how you feel and your concerns. Good luck to all of your - Shernae and Lamonte
Get as far away from this wedding as you can! And don't mention anything about the marriage not lasting, or you will get burned. I suspect that the bridesmaids also think the marriage will not last, and thats why they are unenthused about all the planning and stuff. Its wrong and selfish of everyone here to just lump things on you, you have to say no 'Idon't have time for that'. They trying to blackmail you into it by saying she won't get a briadl shower if you don't do it, the more you help out, the more people will be calling on you to.
The next time that you talk to your friend you should just flat out ask her why she didn't ask you to be in the bridal party, but it's okay for her to ask for your help with everything? See what your friend has to say-maybe she doesn't even realize that she is doing it (I know that it's hard not to realize what you are doing, but when planning a wedding there are many things that escape your mind-like sanity!) The maid of honor put you in a very hard position by telling you that you had to host it otherwise the bride wouldn't be having a bridal shower. That is completely rude-and she knows she is putting you in a position where either you do the bridal shower or she won't have one. Maybe you can tell the maid of honor to call the other bridesmaids and ask for their help. Or maybe you can offer your home in order to throw the shower, but the maid of honor and bridesmaids need to supply food, drinks, decorations, etc. Or, you could just say forget it...but it sounds like you care about your friend way to much and wouldn't want to disappoint her like that. Another option would be to ask her mom to host it-even though she doesn't support the wedding, she is attending and might do that for her daughter.
You ask, what is wrong with this picture? EVERYTHING. First and foremost, I would simply tell the MOH that it is her responsibility to gain support from the bridal party to throw the shower, and that while you would be honored to attend, you will not host it. Period. If that means your bride friend doesn't get a shower, well, maybe it will help her realize that she chose the wrong people to be in her wedding party! When the bride asks you to do things, maybe say, "I am swamped right now and unable to help, but I'm sure your bridal party would like to be involved." Just keep turning down the invites you don't have time for. Maybe she's trying to make up to you for not asking you to be in the wedding, but it's misguided and probably pretty annoying. The only thing I suggest that you are available for is to be a good listener if the bride expresses any doubts. Obviously, many other people are doubting the marriage so she might be too. Good luck!
I would tell your friend that she needs to talk to her wedding party for their help that she chose who she wanted and even though you are glad to help that why she has a wedding party is for them to help and that you don't have the time or the money.
No. If you're not a member of the wedding party then it is most certainly not your responsibility to assist in any way. You are most certainly being taken advantage of. As others have suggested- I think you need to talk to your friend. You need to explain to her exactly how you feel about how you are being treated. I would say to do it in a way that won't sound too accusatory or abrasive in order but I'm sure you know that. And no matter how tactful you are, your bride-friend will probably be hurt because no one likes to have it pointed out that their being rude or disrespectful. But I hope she's mature enough to get over it and realize what she is doing wrong and will get tell her wedding party to get organized. I also agree that you need to confront the MOH and tell her that you can't pay for the bridal shower. You could offer to help her plan it but make sure she understands that you will not be responsible for all the work. This is most definitely a tough situation for you and I hope it all works out.
I think the bride should be grateful she has a friend like you, seriously! It's not everyone who can be on the line up, there also needs to be those on the side-lines...like you... Trust - from experience, I've gotten more recognition for helping out on the sidelines rather than being in the bridal party because, those in the bridal party for some reason end up getting carried away and forgetting why they are even in the lineup. Too bad you don't think that they are going to last, I know that makes it even challenging trying to help out. It seems like you're the one who'll be delegating responsibilities to the MOH and the BM's....if she couldn't take the pressure, why did she accept the role of MOH???? These are the kind of people who end up tripping if they are not selected to be in the line up, and then talk trash about how things fell apart when they should have been helping out in the first place....very shameful!!
Yes, you are being used but that does not mean you cannot help your friend at all. I understand you don't like the man she is marrying but that doesn't mean she doesn't know what she is doing. You have to trust her instincts and you should be there to support her decisions. I think you should talk to her and tell her that you will help her individually but ask her to make her maid of honor and bridesmaids to do their own parts. If I was you I would tell her if she needed a second opinion on ideas that is what I would be willing to help with.
If you don't want to help make favors, then say no. No apologies or excuses needed, just keep saying "No, really, that simply doesn't work for me. I'll let you know if anything changes." Perhaps the MOH is a relative of bride or groom, in which case it would be an etiquette no-no for her to give the shower. Or her home won't accomdate that sort of entertaining. You might consider allowing the shower to be held at your home and in your name on the condition that others shoulder all the expenses and do most of the preperation and clean up. That is, you choose the decor, the refreshments, the time and all those tedious chores while they have the fun of paying the bills and carting out the debris.
How do you feel about this friendship, apart from not being in the bridal party? If you are good friends and like helping her, I think do what you can to help her, and ask her why you were not in the bridal party after the wedding is over. There might be a reason you have not realised (eg. she knows you would rather not be a bridesmaid, she feels you will look too good and outshine her at the wedding etc). If it was me, I would help where I could, and explain when I couldn't ahead of time if possible, so she can get someone else to help with the party favours and decorations. With the bridal shower, I would say I will organise it, but expect that the maid of honour and other main friends contribute with food and drinks or with money towards the event. If they don't offer, just ask how you will be sharing the expenses on this one. With wanting to say something about the wedding, if you are asking yourself if you should say anything, I think that the way to go could be to not say anything unless your friend asks. Unless you think she is in danger, she is an adult and it is her choice and responsibility. Who knows, it might work out well for them. Maybe your friend is a bit of a bridezilla and things will improve after the wedding too. If this is a good friendship, don't chuck it in without finding out (though if the wedding is soon, maybe doing that afterwards when things have settled down would be a good idea). If you choose to help her, you are not being used, the way I see it, just consciously deciding to be a generous-hearted and patient friend. Good luck with it.